Shadow on Discworld (what more can I say?)
by penultimate-lifeform
Summary: If you are a fan of the Discworld series, or Terry Pratchett's books, please R&R. Even if you're not, read anyway (I narrowly avioded putting 'Or Else' on the end of that statement) (CHAPTER 3 now up!)
1. Happy as a hog in mud.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, don't sue.  
  
  
So, my theory is: if Shadow used chaos control when falling from ARK, he'd be desperate, not having enough time to focus on earth. So, what if... and here's the particularly unbeliveable bit... he lands on a flat world, shapter like a disc. A world beig carried through the universe, sorry, make that multiverse, on the back of a huge turtle called, Great A'tuin. Of course, this may cause certain problems. Namely, half of the wizards chasing after him talking about 'Music with Rocks in', and the other half calling him a sourcerer. Being headhunted by the assassins is, well, a minor problem compaired to being mistaken for the Death of Hedgehogs. And then there's that curiosity, that nagging wonder of: What is the hedgehog song?  
  
If you haven't read quite a few of the Discworld books, you may not understand some of it.  
  
  
  
  
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"Chaos control!"  
  
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In situations such as the one Shadow found himself in, it is often necessary to pause for a short while, and review the situation. This is, indeed, what Shadow did, and here are the thoughts that ran through his mind:  
  
'Right. There's probably a logical procedure for this type of event, but I don't know it. I guess I'll have to make it up as I go along. Right. Okay. Um. There were those questions though. Oh yeah. Where am I, who am I, what am I and why am I? Not all of those quite make sense. Erm... so, I have two rescources to draw on for the answers to these questions, my memory and my senses. While I'm thinking about it, I'll check up on my senses. According to my eyes, I'm somewhere black. According to my feelings, I'm face down in something very gooey, and my eyes are closed. Aha, now I'm getting somewhere. Nose? That reports that something smells very bad and would like me to stop breathing so deeply, thank you very much. Ears, report silence all around me. Hey, this is going very well! Tounge is reporting that all it tastes is the inside of my mouth and that its good freind nose advises it to keep it that way. Perfect. Right. Now, memories. I am a hedgehog called Shadow and the Ultimate Lifeform. That doesn't answer where or why, and while we're on that, I think I'll pass on the why. Now for where. Well, I used chaos control when falling from ARK, but didn't think of a destination. Which means that I am... somewhere. Doesn't really narrow it down. Perhaps I should try moving, and let my eyes join in this teamwork.'  
  
With this, Shadow turned over and opened his eyes.  
  
'Sky. Right. That's probably a good thing. Sky above. Perhaps the gooey brown stuff below is not quite as promising. Perhaps it is time that I move. Legs still there? Apparently. Right. Good.'  
  
With some difficulty, Shadow stumbled to his feet, to find another figure, his face and front half covered in mud, doing the same. They both stood there and examined each other. The thoughts going through both of their minds were somewhat like this:  
  
'Okay, strange looking person standing next to me. What's the usual process for this. Ah, yes, recognision. Let's give that a try. Sound, Feeling, Sight and perhaps Smell, I want you to go on a scouting mission. Reoprt all of your findings to Brain.  
'Erm. So. First things first. This person is not me. Probably a good thing, I'd say. Now if it's not me, it must be you. Or him. Right. I'm not sure if that last bit helped much. So, apparently I don't know him. That's not as good. Sight is reporting no immediate danger reprisented by this person. Right. Good. Adrenaline, you can take a break. Perhaps contact might be a good idea.'  
  
"Um." said Shadow "Erm."  
"Uh." Replied the figure, sagely "Huh."  
Shadow flailed desperately at his vocabulary for some sort of grip on language "Er.. hello."  
"Yes." The figure paused "Hello. Erm. Wha- erm, who are you?"  
"What? Yes. I'm- I am Shadow. The Hedgehog." Somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that the full 'Ultimate Lifeform' introduction probably was not appropriate at the moment.  
"Oh. Yes. And, me. I'm Rincewind. Er, yes, Rincewind the Wizard. Last time I checked."  
"Uh huh."  
Shadow attempted to start his feet working again so that he could approach this figure in order to perhaps make some freindly gestures, an unusually complicated proceedure including a few false starts and stumbles. Finally, he had it. He turned around, very slowly; started to move his legs, very slowly; and, very slowly, fell over. 


	2. Cordinates = (x:mud, y:mud) where mud=ho...

Am I meant to introduce each chapter? Well I won't!  
  
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After a short while, both Shadow and Rincewind had begun to retain a slightly higher degree of control over themselves, and were both talking, the conversation quite often taking annoying dips into that subject that neither wanted to address at the moment: Where were they? in fact, just Were they? was also a slight problem.  
  
"So, erm, what do you do?"  
"Oh, I'm a wizard."  
"Hence 'wizzard' being written on your hat"  
"Yes. Exactly. I'm also a part-time runner away, although perhaps I have been promoted to full time and somebody forgot to tell me."  
"You run away from things?"  
"That's about it. You would not believe that amount of times that i've almost died."  
"What a coincidence. Me too! Although I tend to run towards things..."  
"Towards?"  
"Yeah, it's amazing how many things, when you run towards then, get out of your way."  
"Oh."  
"Well, erm... if we're both the type who tend to die, does that mean we're not dead?"  
Ah. The question.  
"Apparently not. It's kinda hard to tell here. Or there."  
"Here? There?"  
"The Discworld"  
  
Discworld? What an odd name; Thought Shadow, It must be a world, um, shaped like a disc. I suppose? Sounds logical.  
  
"I think we're not dead actually" continued the wizard, no tone of gladness at this deduction contained in his voice "Because well, Death* comes for wizards, personally."  
Shadow thought about this for a second.  
"Um? What?"  
"You don't know about Death? Big skeleton guy with a black robe and a sythe. He personally escorts wizards into the next like and that hasn't happened to me."  
"Oh. Well, that's... good."  
  
  
*This is in fact true. It is also true that wizards can sense when they are going to die soon before, leading to, e.g. large loans or other wizards throwing 'Going Away' parties just before the time of death. By one of those interesting loops that can be found in anything complicated to do with time and seeing into the future, these are often the causes of death.  
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	3. It's so Dead around here.

Congratulations! You are the 1,000,000th viewer! You have just won A BRAND NEW....  
  
chapter.  
  
Heck, it's stupid but what else can I put in this space?  
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To understand the realm of Death, you must understand certain things. You must firstly understand that, as white is made up of many colours, so is black. These colours are, however, inperceptible to the normal eye. So, for a casual visiter (now may be a time to reflect on how often than would happen) every thing looks black. The apples. The trees. The bees. And the, um, swing.  
The swing, in such a somber world of black and gold* was a testament to Death's personality. Having been able to get to any part of the disc, one of the perks of the job, Death was able to reacreate his 'cottage' to look like it was occupied by a real, normal person. It lacked, however, that feel of reality. The soap** in the bathroom was always perfect, never used, the draws on his desk could not open, and there was of course the swing.  
Death made the swing for his grandaugter, Sarah***. He had, however, used perhaps too much logic.  
Swings, he reasoned, are usually tied to the strongest branch. So, it would be even better to tie it to the two strongest branches. These were, by on of those little quirks of inconvienience, which spread through life like a virus, on the opposite sides of the tree. An easy problem to solve, however, by cutting away part of the tree.  
As afformentioned, the realm of Death does not have many visitors.  
  
YOU STILL DO NOT KNOW WHO HE IS? Said Death, his voice a voice of heavy, lead slabs.  
  
SQUEAK Replied the Death of Rats, putting his small, bony finger right on the idea that had been worrying Death the most.  
  
  
* Death once decided to add to his realm a field of golden corn to reprisent the metaphor of a reaper and his corn. This was the immortal equivilent of a punne.  
  
**Beside this soap, however, was much more real soap. Much more usued. For death ahd a servant called Albert, who came to Death's Realm to avoid his death, the consiquence of occupying a place of time.  
  
*** Adopted, but she still managed to pick up some traits of Death, such as the voice, the ability to see things others cannot, to make herself unseeable, and of course a rather nifty way of using a sythe.  
  
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End file.
